Vampire Jokes
What do vampires play poker for ?
High stakes !
What do you call a dog owned by Dracula ?
A blood hound !
Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team ?
The ghoulscorer !
What does a vampire say when you tell him a ghoul joke ?
Ghoul blimey !
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve ?
“Auld Fang Syne” !
Do you know that Dracula wants to be a comedian?
He’s still looking for a crypt writer though !
Why was the young vampire a failure ?
He fainted at the sight of blood !
What did the vampire say after he had been to the dentist ?
Fangs very much !
Where do vampires keep their savings ?
In blood banks !
Why does Dracula have no friends ?
Because he’s a pain in the neck !
What’s a vampire’s favorite soup ?
Sharks’ fang soup !
When do vampires bite you ?
On wincedays !
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit ?
A neck-tarine !
What flavor ice cream is Dracula’s favorite ?
Veinilla !
Why did the vampire give up acting ?
He couldn’t get his teeth into the part !
What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold ?
Coffin medicine !
What do you call a vampire junkie ?
Count Drugula !
What was the Californian vampire hippy like ?
He was ghoul man, real ghoul !
What happened to the lovesick vampire ?
He became a neck-romancer !
What do vampires think of blood transfusions ?
Newfangled rubbish !
Why did Dracula go to the dentist ?
He had fang decay !
Why did the vampire attack the clown ?
He wanted the circus to be in his blood !
What happened to the vampire who swallowed sheep ?
He felt baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad !
How does a vampire clean his house ?
With a victim cleaner !
What did the vampire call his new false teeth ?
A new fangled device !
What’s a vampire’s favorite sport ?
Batminton !
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail ?
I don’t know but it would slow him down !
Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food ?
He wanted something to get his teeth into !
What did the vampire say to the wolf man ?
You look like your going to the dogs !
Why is Hollywood full of vampires ?
They need someone to play the bit parts !
What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he goes out to work in the evening ?
“Have a nice bite” !
What does the postman deliver to vampires ?
Fang mail !
What did Dracula say to his new apprentice ?
We could do with some new blood around here !
What happened to the mad vampire ?
He went a little batty !
What do vampires have at eleven o’clock every day ?
A coffin break !
What do vampire footballers have at half times ?
Blood oranges !
Which vampire ate the three bears porridge ?
Ghouldilocks !
Why did the vampire go to hospital ?
He wanted his ghoulstones removed !
Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with a finger up his nose ?
He was a ghoulsniffer !
Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing ?
He could really get into the vaultz !
What happened at the vampires race ?
It finished neck and neck !
Where did vampires go to first in America ?
New Fangland !
What is the American national day for vampires ?
Fangsgiving day !
Why did the vampire have fang decay ?
He was always eating fangcy cakes !
If you want to know more about Dracula what do you have to do ?
Join his fang club !
Why wouldn’t the vampire eat his soup ?
It clotted !
Why are vampires always worn out in April ?
Because they’ve just finished a long March of 31 days!
Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin ?
It wanted to play squash !
What’s Dracula’s favorite coffee ?
Decoffinated !
What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot ?
A bite in shining armour !
What’s Dracula’s car called ?
A mobile blood unit !
Why do vampires do well at school ?
Because everytime they are asked a question they come up with a biting reply !
What’s Dracula’s favorite soup ?
Scream of tomato !
What’s the difference between a vampire and a biscuit ?
You don’t know ? Well don’t try dunking a vampire in your tea !
What did the vampire say to the doctor who cured his memory loss ?
Fangs for the memories !
Why do vampires hate arguments ?
Because they make themselves cross !
What happened when the vampire went to the blood bank?
He asked to make a withdrawal !
What does a vampire say to the mirror ?
Terror, terror on the wall… !
What is a vampire’s favorite film character ?
Batman !
Why do people hate being bitten by vampires ?
Because it’s a drain in the neck !
What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower ?
A bat mat !
What’s a vampire’s favorite dance ?
The vaults !
What do romantic vampires do ?
Neck !
What does a vampire bath in ?
A bat tub !
Why are vampires crazy ?
Because they are often bats !
Why do vampires like school dinners?
Because they know they won’t get stake !
How do you join the Dracula fan club ?
Send your name, address and blood group !
What’s a vampire’s favorite animal ?
A giraffe !
Why are vampire families so close ?
Because blood is thicker than water !
How do vampires keep their breath smelling nice ?
They use extractor fangs !
What does Dracula say when you tell him something interesting ?
Well fangcy that !
What happened at the vampires reunion ?
All the blood relations went !
What do you get if you cross Dracula and Al Capone ?
A fangster !
Where do Chinese vampires come from ?
Fanghai !
What’s a vampire’s favorite drink ?
A bloody mary !
What’s a vampire’s favorite dance ?
The fangdango !
Which vampire tried to eat James Bond ?
Ghouldfinger !
How does a vampire like his food served ?
In bite sized pieces !
Where do vampires go on holiday ?
The Isle of Fright !
Why did the vampire take up acting ?
It was in his blood !
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Why did the vampire attack the clown?
He wanted the circus to be in his blood.